Space and Togetherness in Relationship

Do you need more space from your partner?

Or, perhaps you need less space and more togetherness?

This is a common challenge for many couples...negotiating the need for space and the need for time together. If you're not in sync on these needs it can cause hurt and/or frustration which, of course, creates more distance between you. Often this results from not understanding or respecting the need for space or time alone - either your own or your partner's.

Some excerpts from Kahlil Gibran on Marriage speak to the need for couples to take time apart:

"...But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. "

"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."

I think you can spend too much time together and, I think you can spend too much time apart. There is a delicate balance in negotiating this space between you for the good of your union. Too much togetherness can become stifling...we start waring on each other, getting frustrated at the little things, and having to negotiate everything. We can end up "processing" all the time and get too serious. Most likely someone is having to give up too many of their own needs to be in this kind of togetherness.

On the flip side, we can definitely take too much space from each other...especially if it's the "out of site, out of mind" kind of space. This kind of space creates more distance between you and can put a strain on your relationship, making it vulnerable to outside influences. Most often, it's too much togetherness that creates the need for this kind of space. We bounce back and forth between an intense time of togetherness, which can be scary for many people, and then we run for the hills until we feel lonely and then bounce back together again.

Individuals and couples have rhythms or cycles in their need for space and togetherness; depending on life circumstances, age, a particular growth spurt, and life events. For example, you might find that after the death of a loved one space apart feels too scary. Or, during midlife, you might find that more space is imperative to reflect on what life is really about for you. These changes can be hard on a couple if they don't have skills and awareness to work these needs out together. Often, our ego will get in the way of the needs of our soul/spirit and protest loudly to our partner that they are being insensitive or uncaring. In times like these we may need help in sorting space and togetherness out.

You may want to take some time to talk about these ideas with your partner. You can share your needs for space with him/her while also reminding them how important s/he is to you. Lovingly negotiating little separations can help save you from a final separation further down the line. The little separations I'm talking about are more like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kind of space.

Yes, you may need to be away because, well, you just need to be away. But, if you take some of that away time to focus your attention on your partner, your connection can grow. When you reconnect you will see your lover again, not because they changed, but because you changed your view. So how do you do this? Set aside 15 - 30 minutes of your time alone, to be really alone. If you are not spiritual or religious you do not have to do the prayer part in this exercise, but try the visualization part and you will still experience a shift.

Start by sitting in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take 3 or 4 deep, cleansing breaths, breathing in love and breathing out anything that you need to let go of right now. Then say a prayer asking to feel the presence of your partner's soul (this is who your partner really is - not the outside personality/ego). When I've done this in the past I speak directly to my partner's soul, inviting him to join me. Then picture your partner with you during a time in the past when you have felt very loving and/or experienced a special connection. Allow that feeling of love to wash over you. If this brings up sadness or tears, let them flow, but also melt into the feeling of love that you experienced. Now, notice the qualities that you appreciate about your partner...name them, as many as you can. In your mind, express your appreciation and gratitude to your partner for who s/he is...noticing their beauty, generosity, love, kindness, etc. When you are feeling love, for yourself and your partner, pray for the strength to keep this vision of your true partner - who s/he really is. Allow yourself to come slowly back to the present, open your eyes and keep the loving feeling present. When you return to your partner, look in his/her eyes with the love that you experienced in this visualization.

If this seems too difficult, you may need help with your relationship. All couples need some kind of support and/or help at points during their life. Please call me so I can help you.