Are you someone who has trouble receiving?
Maybe you are one of the people who say, "I'd rather give than receive."
Many of us are like that. For one thing, we are taught this idea at a very early age...usually when we were begging for something new or acting greedy in some way. The problem is that when we develop the skills to give, but don't develop the skills to receive, we rob the givers in our lives the opportunity to feel good about giving. Think about it. Have you ever tried to give someone a compliment about a new outfit for example, and they say, "this old thing?". Or, maybe you tell someone they look beautiful today and they say, "no I don't, my hair won't cooperate." How do you feel when they discount you? You just tried to give them a gift and they didn't turned you down.
I've noticed that many people have trouble receiving. Men and women alike, however, for different reasons. Men will often have difficult receiving compliments and appreciation because they are wired to be providers and protectors. It just goes with the territory of being a man. So while he needs appreciation for what he does (we all do), when we gush at him, he'll often say things like, "it wasn't a big deal", or "any one would have done the same thing." But guys, we need you to receive our adoration and appreciation. All you need to say is "thanks" or "your welcome". Then our appreciation won't fall flat and we'll keep appreciating your efforts.
Now women, on the other hand, have trouble receiving for a different reason. To receive can create a big feeling of vulnerability, especially receiving from men (so sad, since men are born providers). The vulnerability comes from a couple things. 1) Not fully understanding or seeing who men really are; and 2) The instinctual part of us that is afraid that we will "owe" him something because he gave us something.
I've been studying men and women and relationships for years now, and I still feel vulnerable receiving sometimes. Even with my knowledge of what great providers they are and that most of the time they provide out of duty and honor...meaning it is insulting to them to think we owe them something. But that instinctual part of us - the inner cave woman - has her own version of what is happening.
A few weeks I had a wonderful experience. My car battery died (ok, that wasn't the wonderful part) and I called AAA to come out and check out my battery. Now this is an area where I am happy to receive, I love to get help from these guys. So when, Ralph* showed up I started out by thanking him for coming out to help me (even though it is his job). I told him what was wrong and he got started figuring out what the problem was. It turned out that my battery was completely drained, but not dead (too much corrosion on the post). He told me that the corrosion needed to be cleaned off and that my car needed to start and be kept running for quite a long time. I started trying to figure out how to accomplish this since I needed to go to my office and get a few things done before I went home where I could leave it running. As I was thinking about it I was sharing my problem with him.
This is where the story gets good. He suggested that he follow me to my office and that while I was getting some work done he would clean the battery, post and connections for me and then I could go home and keep it running there. Sounded good to me! So he follows me to my office and when we get there he tells me, "you know, I've been thinking. I don't like the way your battery took too much time to start while it was hooked up to my truck battery. I think it's going to die on you even after running for a while, even though the diagnostic machine says the battery is okay. I'm going to put a new battery in for you (it was under warranty), I can work out the paper work. I'll clean off the battery area to so all that corrosion is gone." Really?!?
Honestly, the whole drive over to my office I was thinking, "Wow, I feel so grateful. This guy is going out of his way to help me. Then the niggling little vulnerability...what if he wants something from me..." And, after his decision to replace the battery, that little voice crept in again. But you know what? I knew that it wasn't my intuition, I knew it was the cave woman being afraid. So I made a conscious decision to keep receiving and to keep appreciating what he was providing me. I went up to my office and worked while he worked on my car. In total, he was dealing with my car for about two hours and the whole thing cost me $0. Believe me, I let him know how much he saved me that day and that he was my hero. Actually, I was thinking that it's pretty cool for these guys contracted with AAA, they get to be a hero every day!
After signing the paperwork he handed me my keys and asked me to start my car. He said, "I want you to see how quickly it starts." I wouldn't have dared not start my car and rob him of the satisfaction of my sincere happiness. I got in, the car started...quickly...and I turned and gave him the biggest smile. I let him know he made my day and that I was really happy. And in the little box on the paperwork where there is room for comments, I said, "Ralph is AWESOME!!!"
And you know what? Ralph didn't want anything from me. There was no "trade" expected and he didn't hit on me. He was happy to provide. His way of taking in my appreciation was cute. He smiled and said, "I have three sisters, and I would hate for them to be stranded at night with car troubles."
Taking the risk to be vulnerable and to receive the gifts that others offer is such a win-win. The giver feels good providing and the receiver feels good too. Especially when the receiver is appreciating the gift. Both are then giving and receiving and that just creates an upward spiral of joy in life.
I appreciate YOU for reading this post!
Take care,
Julie
*Names are changed to protect privacy in all my posts.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Space and Togetherness in Relationship
Do you need more space from your partner?
Or, perhaps you need less space and more togetherness?
This is a common challenge for many couples...negotiating the need for space and the need for time together. If you're not in sync on these needs it can cause hurt and/or frustration which, of course, creates more distance between you. Often this results from not understanding or respecting the need for space or time alone - either your own or your partner's.
Some excerpts from Kahlil Gibran on Marriage speak to the need for couples to take time apart:
I think you can spend too much time together and, I think you can spend too much time apart. There is a delicate balance in negotiating this space between you for the good of your union. Too much togetherness can become stifling...we start waring on each other, getting frustrated at the little things, and having to negotiate everything. We can end up "processing" all the time and get too serious. Most likely someone is having to give up too many of their own needs to be in this kind of togetherness.
On the flip side, we can definitely take too much space from each other...especially if it's the "out of site, out of mind" kind of space. This kind of space creates more distance between you and can put a strain on your relationship, making it vulnerable to outside influences. Most often, it's too much togetherness that creates the need for this kind of space. We bounce back and forth between an intense time of togetherness, which can be scary for many people, and then we run for the hills until we feel lonely and then bounce back together again.
Individuals and couples have rhythms or cycles in their need for space and togetherness; depending on life circumstances, age, a particular growth spurt, and life events. For example, you might find that after the death of a loved one space apart feels too scary. Or, during midlife, you might find that more space is imperative to reflect on what life is really about for you. These changes can be hard on a couple if they don't have skills and awareness to work these needs out together. Often, our ego will get in the way of the needs of our soul/spirit and protest loudly to our partner that they are being insensitive or uncaring. In times like these we may need help in sorting space and togetherness out.
You may want to take some time to talk about these ideas with your partner. You can share your needs for space with him/her while also reminding them how important s/he is to you. Lovingly negotiating little separations can help save you from a final separation further down the line. The little separations I'm talking about are more like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kind of space.
Yes, you may need to be away because, well, you just need to be away. But, if you take some of that away time to focus your attention on your partner, your connection can grow. When you reconnect you will see your lover again, not because they changed, but because you changed your view. So how do you do this? Set aside 15 - 30 minutes of your time alone, to be really alone. If you are not spiritual or religious you do not have to do the prayer part in this exercise, but try the visualization part and you will still experience a shift.
Start by sitting in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take 3 or 4 deep, cleansing breaths, breathing in love and breathing out anything that you need to let go of right now. Then say a prayer asking to feel the presence of your partner's soul (this is who your partner really is - not the outside personality/ego). When I've done this in the past I speak directly to my partner's soul, inviting him to join me. Then picture your partner with you during a time in the past when you have felt very loving and/or experienced a special connection. Allow that feeling of love to wash over you. If this brings up sadness or tears, let them flow, but also melt into the feeling of love that you experienced. Now, notice the qualities that you appreciate about your partner...name them, as many as you can. In your mind, express your appreciation and gratitude to your partner for who s/he is...noticing their beauty, generosity, love, kindness, etc. When you are feeling love, for yourself and your partner, pray for the strength to keep this vision of your true partner - who s/he really is. Allow yourself to come slowly back to the present, open your eyes and keep the loving feeling present. When you return to your partner, look in his/her eyes with the love that you experienced in this visualization.
If this seems too difficult, you may need help with your relationship. All couples need some kind of support and/or help at points during their life. Please call me so I can help you.
Or, perhaps you need less space and more togetherness?
This is a common challenge for many couples...negotiating the need for space and the need for time together. If you're not in sync on these needs it can cause hurt and/or frustration which, of course, creates more distance between you. Often this results from not understanding or respecting the need for space or time alone - either your own or your partner's.
Some excerpts from Kahlil Gibran on Marriage speak to the need for couples to take time apart:
"...But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. "
"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music."
I think you can spend too much time together and, I think you can spend too much time apart. There is a delicate balance in negotiating this space between you for the good of your union. Too much togetherness can become stifling...we start waring on each other, getting frustrated at the little things, and having to negotiate everything. We can end up "processing" all the time and get too serious. Most likely someone is having to give up too many of their own needs to be in this kind of togetherness.
On the flip side, we can definitely take too much space from each other...especially if it's the "out of site, out of mind" kind of space. This kind of space creates more distance between you and can put a strain on your relationship, making it vulnerable to outside influences. Most often, it's too much togetherness that creates the need for this kind of space. We bounce back and forth between an intense time of togetherness, which can be scary for many people, and then we run for the hills until we feel lonely and then bounce back together again.
Individuals and couples have rhythms or cycles in their need for space and togetherness; depending on life circumstances, age, a particular growth spurt, and life events. For example, you might find that after the death of a loved one space apart feels too scary. Or, during midlife, you might find that more space is imperative to reflect on what life is really about for you. These changes can be hard on a couple if they don't have skills and awareness to work these needs out together. Often, our ego will get in the way of the needs of our soul/spirit and protest loudly to our partner that they are being insensitive or uncaring. In times like these we may need help in sorting space and togetherness out.
You may want to take some time to talk about these ideas with your partner. You can share your needs for space with him/her while also reminding them how important s/he is to you. Lovingly negotiating little separations can help save you from a final separation further down the line. The little separations I'm talking about are more like "absence makes the heart grow fonder" kind of space.
Yes, you may need to be away because, well, you just need to be away. But, if you take some of that away time to focus your attention on your partner, your connection can grow. When you reconnect you will see your lover again, not because they changed, but because you changed your view. So how do you do this? Set aside 15 - 30 minutes of your time alone, to be really alone. If you are not spiritual or religious you do not have to do the prayer part in this exercise, but try the visualization part and you will still experience a shift.
Start by sitting in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take 3 or 4 deep, cleansing breaths, breathing in love and breathing out anything that you need to let go of right now. Then say a prayer asking to feel the presence of your partner's soul (this is who your partner really is - not the outside personality/ego). When I've done this in the past I speak directly to my partner's soul, inviting him to join me. Then picture your partner with you during a time in the past when you have felt very loving and/or experienced a special connection. Allow that feeling of love to wash over you. If this brings up sadness or tears, let them flow, but also melt into the feeling of love that you experienced. Now, notice the qualities that you appreciate about your partner...name them, as many as you can. In your mind, express your appreciation and gratitude to your partner for who s/he is...noticing their beauty, generosity, love, kindness, etc. When you are feeling love, for yourself and your partner, pray for the strength to keep this vision of your true partner - who s/he really is. Allow yourself to come slowly back to the present, open your eyes and keep the loving feeling present. When you return to your partner, look in his/her eyes with the love that you experienced in this visualization.
If this seems too difficult, you may need help with your relationship. All couples need some kind of support and/or help at points during their life. Please call me so I can help you.
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