How Receptive are You?

Are you someone who has trouble receiving?

Maybe you are one of the people who say, "I'd rather give than receive."

Many of us are like that. For one thing, we are taught this idea at a very early age...usually when we were begging for something new or acting greedy in some way. The problem is that when we develop the skills to give, but don't develop the skills to receive, we rob the givers in our lives the opportunity to feel good about giving. Think about it. Have you ever tried to give someone a compliment about a new outfit for example, and they say, "this old thing?". Or, maybe you tell someone they look beautiful today and they say, "no I don't, my hair won't cooperate." How do you feel when they discount you? You just tried to give them a gift and they didn't turned you down.

I've noticed that many people have trouble receiving. Men and women alike, however, for different reasons. Men will often have difficult receiving compliments and appreciation because they are wired to be providers and protectors. It just goes with the territory of being a man. So while he needs appreciation for what he does (we all do), when we gush at him, he'll often say things like, "it wasn't a big deal", or "any one would have done the same thing." But guys, we need you to receive our adoration and appreciation. All you need to say is "thanks" or "your welcome". Then our appreciation won't fall flat and we'll keep appreciating your efforts.

Now women, on the other hand, have trouble receiving for a different reason. To receive can create a big feeling of vulnerability, especially receiving from men (so sad, since men are born providers). The vulnerability comes from a couple things. 1) Not fully understanding or seeing who men really are; and 2) The instinctual part of us that is afraid that we will "owe" him something because he gave us something.

I've been studying men and women and relationships for years now, and I still feel vulnerable receiving sometimes. Even with my knowledge of what great providers they are and that most of the time they provide out of duty and honor...meaning it is insulting to them to think we owe them something. But that instinctual part of us - the inner cave woman - has her own version of what is happening.

A few weeks I had a wonderful experience. My car battery died (ok, that wasn't the wonderful part) and I called AAA to come out and check out my battery. Now this is an area where I am happy to receive, I love to get help from these guys. So when, Ralph* showed up I started out by thanking him for coming out to help me (even though it is his job). I told him what was wrong and he got started figuring out what the problem was. It turned out that my battery was completely drained, but not dead (too much corrosion on the post). He told me that the corrosion needed to be cleaned off and that my car needed to start and be kept running for quite a long time. I started trying to figure out how to accomplish this since I needed to go to my office and get a few things done before I went home where I could leave it running. As I was thinking about it I was sharing my problem with him.

This is where the story gets good. He suggested that he follow me to my office and that while I was getting some work done he would clean the battery, post and connections for me and then I could go home and keep it running there. Sounded good to me! So he follows me to my office and when we get there he tells me, "you know, I've been thinking. I don't like the way your battery took too much time to start while it was hooked up to my truck battery. I think it's going to die on you even after running for a while, even though the diagnostic machine says the battery is okay. I'm going to put a new battery in for you (it was under warranty), I can work out the paper work. I'll clean off the battery area to so all that corrosion is gone." Really?!?

Honestly, the whole drive over to my office I was thinking, "Wow, I feel so grateful. This guy is going out of his way to help me. Then the niggling little vulnerability...what if he wants something from me..." And, after his decision to replace the battery, that little voice crept in again. But you know what? I knew that it wasn't my intuition, I knew it was the cave woman being afraid. So I made a conscious decision to keep receiving and to keep appreciating what he was providing me. I went up to my office and worked while he worked on my car. In total, he was dealing with my car for about two hours and the whole thing cost me $0. Believe me, I let him know how much he saved me that day and that he was my hero. Actually, I was thinking that it's pretty cool for these guys contracted with AAA, they get to be a hero every day!

After signing the paperwork he handed me my keys and asked me to start my car. He said, "I want you to see how quickly it starts." I wouldn't have dared not start my car and rob him of the satisfaction of my sincere happiness. I got in, the car started...quickly...and I turned and gave him the biggest smile. I let him know he made my day and that I was really happy. And in the little box on the paperwork where there is room for comments, I said, "Ralph is AWESOME!!!"

And you know what? Ralph didn't want anything from me. There was no "trade" expected and he didn't hit on me. He was happy to provide. His way of taking in my appreciation was cute. He smiled and said, "I have three sisters, and I would hate for them to be stranded at night with car troubles."

Taking the risk to be vulnerable and to receive the gifts that others offer is such a win-win. The giver feels good providing and the receiver feels good too. Especially when the receiver is appreciating the gift. Both are then giving and receiving and that just creates an upward spiral of joy in life.

I appreciate YOU for reading this post!

Take care,

Julie



*Names are changed to protect privacy in all my posts.